Inside the Mind of Best-Selling Erotica Author Selena Kitt

One of the authors whose work was deeply threatened by PayPal’s recent attempt to suppress certain types of erotica was Selena Kitt. We interviewed Selena about her extraordinary success as an indie author and also about her views on the attempts to curb erotica. Most of the interview took place prior to PayPal's decision to overturn their policies. After PayPal reversed their policies, David Weir updated the interview.

[David Weir] When did you first start writing erotica, where did you publish, and what were the results?

[Selena Kitt] I wrote a lot when I was younger—I wrote my first novel long-hand when I was thirteen—but I didn’t start writing erotic fiction until a friend pointed me to a site called Literotica. They were holding a contest called “Survivor” (back when the television show was very popular)—the most stories written in the most categories in one year would win a $500 prize. I thought it would be a fun way to flex my writing muscle, get feedback for my work, and push my boundaries as a writer.

Also, my husband was the only one working at the time, and we had two small children, so I thought the money could come in handy. I only came in second place, but at the end of that year, I had a very large body of erotic work. I had also received a great deal of feedback from readers on the site, and had risen to the top of Literotica’s “favorite authors” list. I said to my husband, “If I’d been paid for every time someone downloaded one of my stories, I’d be a millionaire!” And he said, “Well, why aren’t you getting paid?”

That got me moving. I submitted some of my fiction to a few epublishers—the now defunct Stardust Press along with Samhain Publishing and Phaze—and they accepted and published my work, but they paid so little, just 30-45% royalties, and they didn’t accept many of the subjects I’d written.

So I went to the largest ebook distributor in the game at the time, a site called Fictionwise (they were later bought out by Barnes and Noble). They told me they didn’t accept individual authors, and that I would have to be a “publisher” to get my books distributed on their site. So I went to my Literotica author friends, who had written books right alongside me all year long, and asked them to publish with me. And that’s how Excessica was born. I met my goal of making a good supplemental income on Fictionwise -- about $5,000 per quarter. That was $20,000 a year! I was pleased.

Then Amazon came out with the Kindle and the whole ebook world exploded.

I started making $10,000 a month on Amazon. (And that, ladies and gentlemen, was back when their Mobi division was the only way to get on the site and they only offered 35% royalties to authors!) When Kindle KDP opened up and Amazon began giving 70% royalties, the floodgates really opened. And then Barnes and Noble came out with the Nook. And suddenly, my little supplemental income had turned into a booming business.

[DW] Can you quantify your current success for us?

[SK] Well, if you want stats… in 2011, I sold half a million ebooks and made about three-quarters of a million dollars. I don’t know if I will make that much in 2012, but I’m fairly well known as an erotica author now and the ebook market only has room for expansion— but as we know in this genre, it’s often one step forward, two steps back! I’m humbled and still a little stunned by my own success, I have to admit. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the amount of money that comes my way every month from ebook distributors and still break into a cold sweat sometimes when I see the bank balance!

[DW] How much feedback do you get from readers and what is your sense of who they are?

[SK] I get lots of emails from fans, and I try to answer them all if I can, even if it’s just to say, “Thank you for reading!” Just judging from the feedback and reviews, I’d say that 70-80% of my ebook audience is women. Which is a bit of a switch from Literotica, where I think a majority of my fans were men. But I think I actually write erotic fiction that crosses gender boundaries and appeals to both.

[DW] What tension, if any, exists for an author of erotica to write about fantasies as if they were events that actually took place? Or is it sufficient to present fantasies strictly as fantasies?

[SK] One of my books, “Confessions,” addresses this very issue!

More than any other genre, erotica writers hear the question, “Did that really happen?” Somehow it’s assumed that we erotica writers are swinging from the ceilings on sex swings every night and we carry cat o’nine tails in our back pockets “just in case” like some people carry Swiss army knives! Why should I try to dispel the myth?

There are lots of people who think Stephen King is one creepy dude. Is he really? Or does he just have a very rich, vivid imagination? Writers are good at lying. We don’t call it lying, of course, we call it fiction. Telling stories. It’s what we do. We give the truth “scope.” So even when we are writing about things that happened in our own lives, they’re not always true. And when we’re writing about things that never happened to us at all, that doesn’t mean some aspect of them isn’t also true, for us, in some way.

Thriller writers don’t have to have murdered to write about serial killers. I wrote The Sybian Club before I’d ever ridden a Sybian. (Although I do happen to own one now!) Like any other writer, I don’t have to have experienced something to write about it. Some of the things I write about have happened to me, personally, or to people I know. Some of them are strictly fiction.

And sometimes, I think especially in erotica, the mystery of not knowing for the reader makes the reading all the more intriguing and fun. Erotica writers become a fantasy within the fantasy and as long as I don’t have stalkers calling or showing up at my doorstep, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that!


[DW] Are there any differences in the way you develop a character in erotica, say, than in other reams of fiction?

[SK] Not really. You’re still exploring someone’s psyche, whether your character is eating breakfast, jumping out of an airplane, or having sex. That said, you’ll probably be exploring more of your character, or at least different aspects of them, than most authors do. You’re going to have to think about your character’s first sexual encounters, whether or not they’re experienced, what things have shaped their sexual character? Are they conformers in the bedroom? Are they rebels? Are they repeating patterns in their sex lives, in their relationships? Those are things you might explore in a mainstream novel, but its stuff you definitely have to know when you’re writing erotica.

[DW] Do you think there is any connection between erotica and visual pornography, which obviously is also huge on the Internet?

[SK] Other than the fact that it’s porn and sex that has driven every new technology we’ve ever developed? They aren’t the same thing of course—but they do have connections. They both sexually excite. They are both controversial. They both have their advocates—and their detractors. Personally, I’m not against either, nor do I believe that one is “better” than the other. I think they can both be healthy additions to a normal person’s life. But I do think they both have a slightly different aim. Most visual porn has the singular purpose of arousal and release. The purpose of erotica is far more plural. Most erotica explores the depths of human sexuality in ways that visual pornography can’t reach. Visual porn tends to be as two-dimensional as the screen you watch it on. Erotica, when it’s done well, gives the reader a deeper understanding and experience of human sexuality.

[DW] Finally, what advice do you have for new and first-time authors of erotic stories and books, and how can they navigate the world of self-publishing, especially during the periodic crackdowns that may occur?

[SK] I won’t tell anyone to self-censor, although I have chosen to do so myself, in some ways. I do write some incest fiction, but out of my sixty-something titles, I only have two novels and one anthology that focus on incest. If you do want to write in the taboo realm, there are still places (Barnes and Noble) to publish all of the topics. If you want to write transgressive erotic fiction, go for it! Just know that the paying market, at the moment, is more limited than it was. And there is a possibility that it will become even more limited in the future. Keep your eyes and ears open.

Other than that, I wouldn’t give any different advice now to an erotic writer than I would have a month ago. Write often, write well, and write what turns you on. Worry more about your character development and your word choice than finding your market. If you keep writing, your market will find you. Pay more attention to your readers and their feedback than pimping your book on Facebook or Twitter. Yes, you’re writing for yourself, but if that was the only person you were writing for, you wouldn’t be publishing, would you? So you can’t please all of the people all of the time, but if you’re not pleasing most of the people most of the time, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your work. Learn to take constructive criticism and filter out the stuff that really doesn’t matter. And keep writing. Always keep writing.

[DW] Can you walk us through the recent crackdown attempt on erotica by PayPal from your perspective?

[SK] Sure! The basic 411 on the “erotica crackdown” started back in late 2010, when Amazon decided to start removing erotic fiction containing incest and bestiality from their virtual catalog. This was a backlash in regards to Amazon removing The Pedophile’s Guide from their site (after they defended leaving it there, issuing an official statement that removing it would amount to censorship). So much for a policy of no-censorship.

Just recently, it was PayPal that contacted me as a publisher at Excessica, telling us that they would no longer pay for erotic fiction that contained “incest, pseudo incest, bestiality or rape for titillation purposes.” And I wasn’t the only phone call they made. I know several other independent ebook publishers and distributors who use PayPal who were also contacted. Many of these ebook distributors began removing books from their sites without regards to actual content. If they had “Daddy” in the title, they had to go—even if they were just role-plays between two consenting adults. Non-consent fantasies (i.e. what PayPal deemed “rape for titillation”) were removed, even if they were actually dreams or the characters were ghosts and never existed at all.

Many of those titles were on their bestseller lists and selling very, very well. Many of my own titles had been on their sites for years and I’d actually been awarded as a “bestselling author” for selling titles that contained such content. Clearly readers were voting with their dollars. They wanted to read them—they were willing to buy them—but now they couldn’t. At least not on the sites that had been targeted by PayPal.

But what happens when a huge corporation like PayPal decides they don’t want to pay for something? Well, now it becomes less profitable to produce those products in question. Erotic authors begin to change and adapt to the market. They self-censor. They don’t write about that stuff anymore, even though readers want to read it (remember, they previously told us so with their dollars), because they can’t upload it onto sites that use PayPal as a processor.

That’s how the decision of one corporation threatened to reshape the entire free market.

[DW] Why should rape or incest or bestiality be protected in erotica?

[SK] Um, gee… because it’s fiction? Because these are completely imaginary, made-up stories written down as words on a piece of paper? Because it’s not real?

I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by the public’s reaction, given that I write erotic fiction in a country whose Puritanical roots continue to choke the life out of us as sexual beings. I keep having to remind myself that I live in a culture where breastfeeding photos disappear off Facebook as fast as they appear, but clips of torture-porn like Hostel or Saw posted from YouTube are just fine and dandy. Sometimes I forget that some people consider the books I write offensive or even immoral.

The fact is that all fiction is, and should be, protected. There are no victims here. And there has been no broad-based, definitive study that proves that fiction makes people engage in the subjects they read about. Most people who read thrillers about serial killers don’t go out and kill people. People who read erotic incest fiction don’t want to have sex with their family members. It’s called fantasy for a reason!

We should always defend free speech, if we want it to remain free, even if we don’t like what’s being said. So maybe the thought of a woman being tied up and having clothespins attached to her nipples is abhorrent to you. And perhaps the babysitter having sex with the family dog makes you feel a little ill. And two siblings getting it on is just… ewwwww… icky!

But we have to protect icky speech too. We have an obligation to defend those things we find reprehensible, even indefensible, if we want to protect our rights.

[DW] What does research tell us about rape or incest fantasies, and why people have them?

[SK] I can speak to this with some authority, as I have my Masters degree in psychology. If you want a thorough background, go read Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden or Forbidden Flowers. The fact is that sexually explicit fantasies are normal and healthy in both men and women. This is 2012. We all understand (I hope) that masturbation doesn’t cause hairy palms, and sexual fantasy doesn’t cause sexually deviant behavior. Many, many, many women have rape and incest fantasies. It’s quite common. Rape and incest are deviant behavior, but fantasy is not reality and words are not action.

Incest fantasies have a huge psychological component to them, and they’re usually about love and acceptance. It’s probably no surprise that many women who enjoy “Daddy/daughter” role play or fantasizing about “Daddy/daughter” sex often lacked a strong father figure in their lives as adolescents. This is a generalization of course, not an absolute. But one of the reasons incest fantasies are so popular for men and women stems from the fact that, at least in our ideal worlds, no one knows you better or loves you more unconditionally than family. There’s also the “forbidden love” aspect of an incestuous relationship, which has great psychological appeal. We humans sure do like doing things we’re not “supposed” to do!

As for the non-consent or rape fantasies, we have to remember that, historically, women have been sexually repressed by the patriarchy. Even in this day and age, we still have a mainstream radio host making comments about a woman whose admission of using birth control must mean she is not only sexually active, but she is also a “slut.” So it’s no wonder that females in this culture have a lot of shame and guilt surrounding asking for and accepting sexual pleasure. The non-consent (or as PayPal liked to phrase it, the “rape for titillation”) fantasy allows a woman to explore her sexual pleasure without all the baggage and possible recriminations that can come with openly doing so.

One of the purposes of fantasy and fiction is to allow ourselves to experience things that might actually frighten or horrify us in real life. Horror fiction does this. So do the fantasies of erotic fiction. There are lots of books about locking a girl in a basement as a sex slave—both in mainstream and erotica. The difference is, in mainstream fiction, the woman is truly raped and tortured in horrible, shocking and really sick and twisted ways, and the killer usually gets caught and punished. In erotica, the woman being "forced" isn't really being raped, per se—at least not in the same sick and twisted way she is in the mainstream—and in the end, it turns out... she actually enjoys herself! And usually falls in love with the rapist-hero.

The reality is that the “rape for titillation” fantasy that PayPal was so worried about isn’t about rape at all—it’s actually about women receiving pleasure! Non-consent and dubious consent fiction is about sex and fantasy. But the rape in mainstream fiction—from John Norman’s Gor books to Jack Ketchum’s The Woman—is, indeed, about very real rape, in all its horrible, gory detail.

Is it a coincidence that, statistically, most erotic fiction is written by AND read by women, but horror, on the other hand, is known to be a male dominated genre?

[DW] What is "pseudo incest" and why would it be censored?

[SK] “Pseudo incest” is so ridiculous a term it’s laughable. It isn’t incest. It’s sex between two consenting adults who happen to be related, but not by blood. Pseudo incest is kind of like taking tofu and shaping it like a hamburger.

As to why it was to be censored—you’ve got me. Apparently, according to PayPal and the credit card companies, Woody Allen could have sex with his adopted daughter—but erotic fiction authors shouldn’t write about it?

[DW] You've described what started happening with PayPal as a "slippery slope" that could affect all indie authors. Please explain.

[SK] Instead of dealing with PayPal’s mandate on a book-by-book basis, Bookstrand deleted all of their Indie author accounts. Not just the erotic writers—ALL of their Indies. If you’re an Indie author and you think you’re immune… think again. Be prepared. It’s possible that this latest round of “risk-reducing” by PayPal and credit card processors is over. Or maybe they’re just starting at the top and working their way down. Take a look at this, from Visa’s site:

VISA Brand Protection
Members must not use the Visa-Owned Marks:
• In any manner that may bring the Visa-Owned Marks or Visa Inc. or its affiliates into disrepute
• In relation to, or for the purchase or trade of, photographs, video imagery, computer-generated images, cartoons, simulation or any other media or activities including, but not limited to:
– Child pornography
– Bestiality
– Rape (or any other non-consensual sexual behavior)
– Non-consensual mutilation of a person or body part

I know a lot of “torture porn” (al a Saw and Hostel, etc.) that falls under that last category. And I know a lot of Indie authors who write it as well.

[DW] Now that PayPal has reconsidered, what do you think PayPal's new policies mean for the future of indies in general and erotica indies in particular?

[SK] I think it's an unprecedented victory for erotica indies and it gives me hope for this thing we call "the free market." People stood up for something they believed in, and a large corporation backed down from their original position. How often does that really happen—outside of, say… fiction? It seems as if it's a victory for the little guy, for free speech (even if this wasn't 'technically' definable as a constitutional issue) and for the erotica genre as well. All Indies will benefit from what happened here, because no matter what we write, we are all authors and we should all be interested in protecting the right to do so freely, regardless of genre or subject matter.

And it may seem radical on my part, but even given how far PayPal has backed down in terms of erotic fiction, it still bothers me that they made any restrictions on free and legal fiction at all. Like most citizens, I abhor child pornography and pedophilia, but the written word is very different from other art forms—as this decision has proven. I understand staying away from pictorial displays of that kind of subject matter—but fiction? What would happen, for example, if Lolita was self-published today? Sorry, Nabokov—PayPal won’t pay for that?

The fact is that no pseudo-bank should be telling anyone what they can or cannot write or publish, regardless of subject matter. I’m glad PayPal came to their senses to the degree they have. And I do feel that Indies are now a little more protected, thanks to the actions of those who were willing to speak up.

I hope other corporations will remember this incident when they sit down in future board rooms to make policies in regards to the written word, erotica or otherwise. The message the public sent here was loud and clear, and I’m pretty sure they’d be willing to send it again—as often as needed—to make their point.

[DW] Thank you, Selena!


Smashwords distributes Selena Kitt to the following:

Apple
Diesel eBook Store
Kobo
Sony
Smashwords

View the complete catalog of Excessica books:
Smashwords - Excessica Publisher Page


David Weir is a veteran journalist who has published three books and hundreds of articles in various publications, including The Economist, Rolling Stone, and The New York Times. He currently covers technology for 7x7.com.

Next week, an interview with Smashwords author Ruth Ann Nordin!

PayPal Revises Policies to Allow Legal Fiction

In a victory for free speech, PayPal today announced plans to revise their content policies to allow Smashwords writers full freedom to publish and sell legal ebooks.

I met with PayPal at their offices yesterday in San Jose. They outlined their proposed policy changes for me. I was impressed.

This is a victory for all writers and readers. It removes credit card companies, banks and payment processors from the business of censoring legal fiction. It creates a new precedent that should allow other payment processors who have previously discriminated against legal fiction to relax their policies.

It will make more fiction more available to more readers. It gives writers greater freedom to express themselves. It gives readers more freedom to decide what they want to experience in the privacy of their own imagination.

If you haven't followed the Paypal censorship saga, you can see how the campaign developed by reading my email dispatches to Smashwords authors, publishers and customers. They're archived in the Smashwords Press Room (see PayPal #1, #2, #3, #4, #5).

When I received the first email from PayPal February 18 with the ultimatum to remove certain erotica content or face loss of PayPal services at Smashwords, my first inclination was to try to limit the damage so we could protect mainstream erotica from further censorship incursion. Thanks to the outpouring of opposition to these policies, I saw an opportunity to make PayPal our partner in a greater campaign to protect all legal fiction from censorship.

Credit for this breakthrough goes to the indie author community who made phone calls, wrote letters and emails, blogged and tweeted; bloggers who raised visibility of the issue; advocacy groups such as the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF), The American Booksellers Foundation for Free Expression (ABFFE) and the National Coalition Against Censorship (NCAC) who were the first to stand up for our authors; mainstream media who raised visibility of the story to greater levels; and last but not least, PayPal. PayPal worked with us in the spirit of partnership to understand the issues, understand Smashwords and how we represent a new model for publishing outside the traditional gatekeeping system, and to understand that fiction is fiction and literary merit should be determined by readers.

I'm sending out an email today to all Smashwords authors and publishers with more details and thanks. An archived version is in the Smashwords press room here.

Two People Having Sex - An Erotic Parody

Talk of censorship tends to put a frown on everyone's face.

Today, we're going to put a smile on your face, erotica style.

The amazing duo of Jen Ashton and Ren Cummins, writing under the nom de plume of Freida Wright, have penned a delightful parody of the PayPal/Smashwords censorship saga that would make Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert blush with pride.

They published it Monday as a $.99 ebook titled, Two People Having Sex - An Erotic Parody That Meets PalPay Standards of Censorship. You can purchase it at Smashwords (and soon, Smashwords will distribute it to the Apple iBookstore, Barnes & Noble, Sony, Kobo, Diesel and Baker & Taylor).

With their generous permission, I bring you their masterpiece here in its entirety, for FREE.

Great satire helps us view important issues in a new light. Just as the political satire of Stewart and Colbert brilliantly illuminate insights inaccessible through mainstream media, Ashton and Cummins expose the inanity of censorship.

If you've been following my email updates to Smashwords authors, publishers and customers regarding the PayPal censorship saga, you'll appreciate this parody even more. I trust even our friends at PayPal will enjoy a friendly chuckle.

Ashton and Cummins have given readers permission to reprint their story anywhere online provided it's reproduce it in its entirety with the links intact. This is a story worth sharing, so please do your part to sprinkle its pixie dust far and wide.

Parental notice: Since this is an erotica parody, it contains language and situations not suitable for children. Enjoy!

TWO PEOPLE HAVING SEX

An Erotic Parody

That Meets PalPay Standards of Censorship

by

FREIDA WRIGHT

Edited by

Kissimmee Hugh Jass

Two People Having Sex by Freida Wright

Copyright © 2012 by Freida Wright

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

License Notes

This ebook is reprinted with permission from the authors. Bloggers may reprint this story in its entirety provided all content and hyperlinks remain intact, and provided readers are not charged for access. If you would like to support the authors of this ebook, please purchase a copy at Smashwords at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/139100

Two People Having Sex:

An Erotic Parody That Meets PalPay Standards of Censorship

By Freida Wright

Edited by Kissimmee Hugh Jass

The gentleman in the suit handed her a pen. “Here you go, miss.”

She accepted it with a demure nod, glancing over the details in the paperwork before her. The lawyer closest to her patted her shoulder reassuringly.

“I’ve been through the documents, Melanie, they’re all perfectly legal.”

Regardless, she read briefly through them. Such a big deal for such a simple thing, she thought. She sighed.

Thomas touched the back of her hand. “Are you sure you still want to go through with this? I know, it seems like such a bunch of fuss over something so…” he sighed as well. This wasn’t how he’d planned it, but rules were rules. He reached into the interior pocket of his jacket and pulled out a passport and a billfold. From the billfold, he further drew out his driver’s license, credit card and his gym identification.

“You said three forms of ID, yes?”

The lawyers nodded, and Melanie set her purse on the polished oak table and pulled out her own documents. “I, um, don’t have a passport, but you said a birth certificate would be fine, right?”

“Certified?”

She nodded.

“That will be fine, miss.”

She bit her lower lip a moment before asking her next question. “You said we’d need to pay your legal fees now as well, correct?” The two lawyers nodded in turn. “I didn’t bring any credit cards along, I just have a checkbook. Or do you take PalPay?”

The lawyers looked at one another and laughed briefly before turning back to her. “Good heavens, no, miss.”

Thomas patted her hand again. “It’s okay, Mel, I’ll cover this.”

Her smile was filled with gratitude. He was a good man; they’d only been seeing each other a few days now, but he was thoughtful enough to ensure that all possible legal protections were being covered for. She could remember in the not-too-distant past how it was all so much simpler; two people met, were attracted, and things led naturally to another until…well, she was afraid of even thinking it in case the censors were somehow able to read her thoughts.

His hand touched hers a moment longer, until the prolonged contact drew the attention of one of the lawyers. “Please, sir, if you could restrain yourself until we have completed our business.”

“Sorry,” he said, withdrawing his hand, but sneaking a wink in her direction as he did so.

Thomas had told her he had spent a year abroad, and had merely shaken his head when they had gone through the list of conditions that the law required of them. “It’s so much different in other countries,” he had explained. “You wouldn’t believe what goes on in other countries without all this…red tape.”

She had grinned at that. “Are you going to use red tape on me?”

“Shush,” he had said, quietly alarmed. “We don’t know who’s listening.”

What had ever happened to this? It had all become so formal, so sterilized and impersonal. It was almost….censored. Romance, intimacy, sexuality, it was all becoming distilled into a legal process designed not to offend.

Well, screw that, Melanie thought. I want to fuck this man.

The lawyers took photocopies of the IDs, and ran Thomas’ credit card for their fees.

One of the lawyers pulled a stapled set of pages from his briefcase and cleared his throat. “Please understand, we are required by law to ask the following questions. Failure to comply will leave us with no further choice than to pull you from publication.”

“What does that mean?” Thomas asked.

The other lawyer answered without even looking up from his paperwork. “It means it will be as if you were never created.”

“That’s a bit excessive, don’t you think?”

The first lawyer regarded Thomas and Melanie over his reading glasses. “Not at all. There are reputations which must be maintained, sensibilities which must be protected. There are many things of a vile and loathsome nature; things offense, detestable and obscene, and we stand as gatekeepers against the tides of filth which might otherwise choke our pristine shores and its pure citizenry.”

“Um, yeah,” Thomas nodded. “You’re doing a great job, too. So, let’s get started, then.”

“Of course. By signing your respective affidavits, you are both attesting to the best of your ability that you are each of legal consenting age, correct?”

Mel and Thomas both indicated in the affirmative.

“Melanie, you are the younger of the two?” His grim gaze was condescending and judgmental.

“Yes, sir. Is there a problem?”

He cleared his throat and mumbled something about how they frowned down upon older men dating younger women. But when Melanie asked him to speak up, he simply just referred her to the fine print.

“Second,” he finally spoke up, “that by signing these documents you are also attesting that you are both, in fact, human beings, alive and not an animal masquerading as one such person, and will remain in human form for the duration of your…activities?”

The couple exchanged awkward glances. “Um, yes. We promise.”

“Are either of you any of the following: vampires, cybernetic organisms, minotaurs, mermaids (or mermen), lycanthropes (including, but not limited to: werewolves, werepanthers, werefoxes, werebears, carebears, or any other part-human creature?)”

“No,” they said in unison, giggling to themselves.

“Animals?”

“No!” they echoed again.

“Third, that you are not related?”

They both agreed.

“Pseudo-related?” he continued.

“What does that mean?” Melanie inquired.

“Pseudo. Meaning false,” he clarified.

“Falsely related?” she asked further. “I’m not quite sure I understand. Who would fall under that category?”

“Technically? Everyone who is not related by blood.”

“We aren’t,” she assured him. “But wouldn’t that just mean we’re not related?”

“No, miss. Not related is not related. Pseudo-related means falsely related.”

“Just say no,” Thomas whispered through his teeth.

The lawyer’s expressionless face was smug and impatient.

“No,” Melanie finally muttered with a smile.

“Good. And, final question, that you will not engage in any actions which could be found to be of a sadomasochistic manner, otherwise known as BDSM, including anthophilia, necrophilia, pedophilia, bibliophilia, or any other form of engagement which might be against the terms and conditions outlined in this pamphlet.”

“Bibliophilia?!” Thomas interjected.

“Yes, books. Especially of the erotic nature.”

The second lawyer reached into his briefcase and handed the couple two identical pamphlets, again without lifting his eyes from his work.

Thomas glanced over the pamphlet before exchanging a somewhat confused look with Melanie. They both nodded at the lawyers. “Yes, we’ll… behave.”

The second lawyer pulled an inkpad from his case and stamped their respective documents, and handed Thomas a copy of the credit card receipt for him to sign.

They stood and collected their paperwork, and shook the couples’ hands before exiting.

“Lovely house you have here, sir,” the second lawyer said. “And good day, ma’am.”

They escorted the lawyers to the door and closed it, locking it as the two odd men walked away.

“Well, that’s that, then,” Thomas said with a wink. “Now what shall we do?”

“What can we do?” she reasonably asked.

He held up one of the pamphlets, and waved it before her face. “Obviously not anthophilia, that’s for sure.”

She shook her head, pulling the paper from his hand. “Anthophilia? What is that, anyway, sex with another person?”

“That’d be anthrophilia, I think. Anthophilia is sex with plants.”

“Plants? Ew! Who would do that??”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s a weird world, my dear.”

They made their way to the bedroom. Somehow, it wasn’t quite as romantic as she had envisioned it would be. The two held hands and finally sat next to one another on the foot of Thomas’ bed.

“So?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she shied away, tucking her hair behind her ear. “This is a little awkward.”

“Maybe we should make out,” he suggested.

Melanie sighed. “It’s just so confusing. With all these rules and all, I’m not really even sure if we’re related or not.”

“Pseudo-related, you mean,” he corrected her. “We’re not.”

“How do you know? I mean, we have known each other a long time. I practically grew up with you. And there was that one time…you know, when we played house?”

“Don’t be silly,” he calmed her, placing his hand on hers. “Maybe we should set the mood. Let’s get comfortable.”

Thomas reached for his jacket and began to peel the sleeves down his arms.

“Wait!” Melanie placed her hand on his jacket to stop him, and then looking around, “Maybe we should keep our clothes on. You know, in case PalPay is watching.”

“Relax,” he told her, “People have sex every day. We’re not doing anything wrong.”

“It sure feels like it. I didn’t know there were so many morality clauses attached to what two consenting adults do together in the privacy of their home.”

“C’mon Mel, it’s just sex,” he half-joked. “People who have sex don’t even have morals!”

Melanie couldn’t argue with that, so she, too, began to remove her restricting clothing. It wasn’t the romantic ripping off of the clothes with passionate hunger that she had fantasized about for the last decade, but it would do. As she pulled her sweater over her head, she peeked at Thomas’ manly chest and the soft tufts of hair that trickled down between his nipples, leading to his…well, to below his belly button. There was a moment where she recalled the muttered fine print about age discrepancy in her contract.

Was it really wrong that Thomas was an older man? Since when? And who says? Surely, no one could frown down upon her for finding his distinguished good looks attractive! So he was a few years older. Who cares? Last she checked, Edward from Twilight was a 104 years old and dating a teenage girl! Now that was disgusting! And he wasn’t even human. Ew!

“You alright?” Thomas interrupted. She felt as though she had been ripped from the pages of the contract itself.

She made a face. “Is sex with a vampire considered necrophilia?”

“Wait, what?”

“Well, vampires are dead, so wouldn’t sleeping with one be like sleeping with a dead person?”

He laughed a bit at that. “Well, I think they’re undead, so maybe that’s not the same thing.”

“I guess not, no.” She shrugged. “Though I still think he’s too old for her.”

“Who’s too old for who?”

“Never mind, it just got me thinking, that’s all.”

He sighed. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“What question?” Her eyes widened. “Oh, am I alright?”

“Well, are you?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Yep! Let’s do this thing!” he said eagerly. “Tell me, what turns you on?”

“Well,” she paused, smiling to herself, “I would really prefer a light tap on the ass right now. It really gets me going. But I'm not sure if that qualifies as an incidental plot point or not."

“Oh yeah,” he conceded. “Damned BDSM. It’s such a broad field - where do you draw the line?”

“Exactly,” she agreed. “Except, I happen to love getting spanked. This sucks.”

“You’re telling me, I’m totally down for a little ass smacking right now. Especially if you call me Daddy. Man, that really turns me on!”

“Shhh,” she reminded him, placing her delicate fingers over his lips. Again, she peered around the room to see if PalPay’s SWAT team would come crashing through the windows. She brought her voice to a whisper. “You can’t say that. This is technically an erotic experience and that word is forbidden. When I perused the pamphlet, I saw a clause that specifically banned it from this entire occasion.”

“Are you serious?” Thomas’s brow buckled at the thought of being so restricted. When did sex become so tame? Exhaling his frustration, he flailed his hands around. “Great! Next you’re going to tell me that we can’t role play, make animal noises or fulfill any other fantasy!”

“Actually,” she cringed, “we can. Er, well, I think we can. As long as we remain in human form and are just pretending to make animal noises, I think we’re good to go!” Her statement was followed by a short pause before she continued. “Well, then again, pretending would mean pseudo. Sooooo…” she dragged her vowel as she tried to make sense of it all, “that may fall under pseudo-bestiality. Was that in the contract?”

“Fuck, I don’t know, Mel. The lines are so blurred. I’m going crazy right now, I’m so horny!”

“Oh my God!” she squealed. “No! You have horns?! Are you the devil? Some kind of animal? Please stay in human form until we figure this out! I really want to have sex with you!”

There was a brief silence following her panic attack, and then they both fell to the floor with laughter as Melanie realized how absolutely absurd she sounded. She had been so engulfed in the fine print, hazy guidelines and limitations that she completely lost her sense of sexy. Perhaps it, and all of her romantic instincts, had somehow walked out the door with their attorneys.

“Oh Thomas,” she apologized, feeling awkwardly embarrassed. “I am so sorry.”

They exchanged glances and Thomas, reaching up to caress her face, gave her the most endearing eyes she had ever seen. She leaned in to him, scooting her body close to his, and closed her eyes. It was then that Thomas finally placed his soft lips on hers and kissed her.

The kiss was long and passionate, just as every other kiss they’d shared the past week had been. His mouth was so warm, so sweet. It almost felt as though he cradled her tongue in his. Oh shit, don’t think cradle, she warned herself. He’s an older man, I’m a younger woman. Pseudo-related, pedophilia. “Fuck!” she finally shouted. Aloud.

“What now?” Thomas asked, sliding his finger along her neck until it traced her collarbone. A tress of her hair fell forward and he twirled his fingers inside its curl.

“Nothing,” she sighed heavily. “Let’s move back up to the bed.”

They both climbed to their feet, Thomas gently assisting her in removing the rest of her undergarments. She, in turn, peeled his boxer briefs down his hips until his you know what peeked above the waistband. The sight of his swollen sex took her breath away. She had fantasized about it for years. Well, since she was eighteen, of course. You know, of age. Everyone knows teenage girls never think about sex. How dare they!

Melanie tried to gather her thoughts again. Back to Thomas and his giant pee-pee.

“Are you ready?” she asked coyly. She bit her lower lip and looked up into his deep blue eyes. It was her signature move. Her mating call. Doh! Don’t think mating. Don’t think mating. She hated all these rules. She couldn’t get out of her head for even just one minute. Music, we need music. Her eyes panned the room for a stereo, an iphone, anything that would fill the silence with something other than her debilitating thoughts.

Thomas seemed more confused than ever as she excused herself and walked over to his nightstand. She pressed a button on his alarm clock and the static blared through the speakers. She scrolled the tuner to find a station. Pausing when she heard an old metal song, she left it alone and jumped on the bed.

“Okay,” she squealed happily, “now I’m ready!”

Naked and waiting, she laid back on the bed as Thomas slipped out of his briefs and crawled on top of her. And there they were, back to kissing.

Thomas’ body felt stiff and hard against her supple curves. He was athletic and muscular, and kind enough not to place all of his weight on her. He held himself just above her, leaning in only near her secret places. She felt him pulsate against her writhing femininity. He was firm and ready.

“I can’t believe we’re finally doing this,” he said sweetly, brushing her hair out of her face. “There was so much red tape to get here.”

“I know,” she concurred. The words red tape formed another image in her mind, of being bound to a chair with red tape as he…. No! I can’t think about obscenities at a time like this! It’s wrong. So wrong!

As if a mirror to her thoughts, Thomas wrapped his arms around her body and thrust his hips toward her pelvis. Just as he slipped his organ between her thighs and pressed firmly into her, an ominous song began to play, an old industrial song she knew well.

I want to fuck you like an animal!

“No,” Melanie begged. “No, no, no! Turn it. Hurry! It’s not allowed! We’ll be unpublished!”

Thomas reached up and hit the snooze button, inadvertently turning off the radio completely. Melanie’s anxiety had clearly startled him. He fell over her nude body and gave up in a huff.

“It’s never gonna happen, is it?”

She ran her fingers through his hair, soothing him the best she could. “There’s just so much…bureaucracy.” She crinkled her forehead at the thought of using that word anywhere near a bedroom, let alone the bedroom of the man she was dating, who was naked, hard and laying on top of her, dying to fuck her brains out! That’s it, she convinced herself, fuck the rules, we’re fucking! Right now! But just one more formality. Just one.

Melanie rolled over and slithered down Thomas’ body, exploring his tan skin and athletic physique. She lingered just above his erection, slowly sliding her hands further south over his thighs. She had noticed earlier how…very hairy they were. She curled his hair between her fingers gently, until an entire tuft was within her grasp.

“You’re not a werewolf, are you?”

“No,” he chuckled under his breath, “I’m Italian.”

“Just making sure,” she smiled, moving her hands back up to grip the base of his…well, you know.

She stroked the length of his shaft, feeling his sex throb under her touch as she guided him toward her lingering kiss. Wait. What was oral? Was it allowed? Forbidden? Could it be considered BDSM if she used excessive force? What if he pushes her head down while in the throes of it? Oh no. Oh no! Rather than take any chances, Melanie simply glided his stiffness along her cheek, down her neck, between her tits and so on, until she climbed back up his body.

“I think we should just stick to the basics,” she told him. “You on top. Me on bottom. That’s how the conservatives do it, right?”

“No doggie-style?” he asked.

“The title alone implies it could be risky to try,” she whispered.

“Reverse cowgirl?”

“Human? Or alien?”

“Human.”

“You may feel inclined to spank me if we do that, though,” she reminded him.

“Ok,” he conceded. “What about butterfly?

“Not human.”

“Crab?”

“Animal.”

“Jockey?”

Melanie paused in deep thought. “Nope. A Jockey rides a horse. Animal.”

“Lotus?”

“Sounds too sacred,” she argued.

“Piston.”

“Barbaric. Might fall under BDSM, hun.”

“Snake charmer. Wait, never mind.” Thomas caught himself this time.

“Super woman?”

“Sounds paranormal.” Melanie finally cut him off. “I think we should do missionary, babe.”

A deep, heavy sigh fell from his mouth. “I guess you’re right. Way to take all the fun out of it.”

“Oh c’mon Thomas, let’s just play by the rules and make this happen already. Take me!” she screamed. “Be a man, in human form, with absolutely no fantastical qualities to whisk me away into romantic wonderland, and just take me!”

He snapped his fingers. “I know! I’ve got it!”

Her eyes widened. “Anything, please, I just want you inside me!”

“You can be an author…” he began, crawling up between her legs and draping her arms over his shoulders. He held her by the hips, positioning her just until he was nearly inside her.

He grinned, making certain she was paying attention to his words. “…and I’ll be PalPay.”

“Oh, yes!” she squealed. “Yes!”

“You see these muscles,” he flexed. “I’m gonna use them on you, baby!”

“Ooooh,” she cooed, wriggling her hips underneath him as she gripped his biceps. “So powerful. Does this mean you’re going to use excessive force?”

“You’re catching on,” he laughed.

She trembled expectantly, squirming in his grasp. He was so close, so near that she ached with desire for him.

“But it’s against the rules,” she whispered playfully.

“Not if I’m PalPay,” he reminded her. “Now I can really fuck you!”

And, with a powerful thrust that took the breath from her, he did.

About the Author

Freida Wright may, or may not, be a young woman or an old man. She may also, but not likely, possess supernatural powers that may, or may not, have been used to procreate with her partner. Her children don’t, but could, have crossed eyes and cleft palates because her husband is much older and of no relation. But most importantly, Freida Wright is an advocate for first amendment rights in the United States.

Freida Wright is the pen name of the writing duo, Jen Ashton and Ren Cummins.

If you enjoyed this story, please consider supporting the authors by purchasing a copy of your own at https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/139100

Connect with Jen and Ren:

Jen Ashton

Twitter: @jenashtonart

http://www.jenashton.com

Ren Cummins

Twitter: @rencummins

http://talariapress.com/ren-cummins/